One day I was talking to my mom about life, marriage, and other things and she said something that really got me thinking... She said, “did you ever imagine that all of this would happen to you? That’s why people shouldn’t kill themselves… you never know what’s in the future.” I thought about that for a second… my life has been crazy for the past couple of years.
When I thought about the future, all I saw was a black hole. People would ask where I saw myself in 5 years and I saw nothing. At all…
Around December 2015, my life really started to shift gears. I got my Master’s Degree finally! I thought those two years would never end. I started my career as an elementary teacher (my first adult job). Although it was extremely stressful and I made a lot of mistakes, I lived to see another school year lol. To top it all off, I got engaged and married to the love of my life in June 2016. If someone would have told me a few years ago that I would be this blessed, I would’ve laughed in their face! There was a point in my life when I was so depressed and broken. When I thought about the future, all I saw was a black hole. People would ask where I saw myself in 5 years and I saw nothing at all. This was the lowest point of my life.
I would say 2013 and 2014 were my rock bottom years. I never mentioned this to anyone, but there were times when I thought about how great it would be to just not wake up anymore.* To not have to wake up and realize that I was a failure… A new graduate with a mountain of debt, a slightly above minimum wage job, a car that barely worked, and I was living at my parent’s house again. So I used to believe that disappearing off the face of the earth was a lot better than facing that reality each day.
One day, I got fed up. I stopped sulking, put on my big girl panties and slowly started to build a future for myself.
But for some reason, I always woke up. Every. Single. Day. Clearly God had a purpose for me, right? One day, I got fed up. I stopped sulking, put on my big girl panties and slowly started to build a future for myself. I went back to school, bought a car, moved out of my high school bedroom, got a promotion at work, and things started going up from there. I didn’t realize it but I was sowing the seeds for a very fruitful future.
The point of this story is to never give up on yourself. Your future may seem like a giant cave of never-ending darkness, but it won’t always be that way. Sometimes when we are going through something, it seems like there is no way out. I promise you, better days will come. It won’t be easy or quick, but it’s worth it. I encourage you to put on your big girl (or boy) pants and decide to better yourself one step at a time. Just like my mom told me, you should never let go because you have no idea what life has in store for you. It may be even better than you could ever imagine. Just like Dr. Seuss said, "Today is your day. Your mountain is waiting so get on your way!"
*Just to be clear, I would NEVER commit suicide! If you are at a point where you are seriously considering this, please talk to someone immediately!
Those of you who are reading this are probably thinking, what does she know about being a wife? She’s not married… she’s not even engaged! Does she even have a boyfriend?? And you would be exactly right. I don’t know a damn thing about being a wife. I’ve never been married, or engaged. To be perfectly honest, I’ve never even been in a relationship for longer than 18 months! SMH… So, the title is a little bit misleading, I guess. Let me explain…
I’ve always wanted to get married. How awesome would it be to go to sleep and wake up to the same person every day? I’ll have someone to take care of and someone to take care of me forever… I imagine it’s a wonderful feeling! I’m almost 25 years old and of course, my biological clock is ticking. I’m starting to see friends and old classmates tie the knot and start families, and it makes me want to join the bandwagon too. As my relationship with God began to grow, I started to realize WHY I wasn’t married yet. Back in the day, I was arrogant. I used to think, “I’m smart, I look good, I cook and clean… any man would be lucky to wife me up!” Now I realize that I’m not all that (which is why I’m not married or engaged). I’m extremely flawed—I’m broken, insanely insecure, sinful, needy, spoiled, and the list goes on and on. Once I made the discovery that I’m absolutely NOT marriage material, I began to pray. I asked God to fix me and turn me into a wife; someone that a strong man would be proud to claim; someone who could one day raise intelligent, righteous children; a true Proverbs 31 woman.
And it’s definitely working! Ever since I said that prayer, I have noticed a lot of changes occurring within me; changes that will make me an incredible woman for my own sake, as well as a phenomenal wife to some lucky man (if that’s in the plan for me).
1. I pray harder and more often.
I started to pray about everything, no matter how big or small. From “God, please allow me to pay my bills this month” to “Lord, I pray that my hair doesn’t frizz until I get home!” LOL! Seriously though, I’ve just been submitting everything to Him. I rarely get stressed out anymore, whereas in the past I would stress myself out to the point of becoming physically and mentally ill. I think this is an important trait because marriage is very difficult (so I’ve heard). If you stress out over every little thing, you’ll run yourself and your husband crazy!
2. I’m more financially responsible.
During my internship, I’m not working so I had to plan out every expenditure for the next few months. I know exactly where every cent of my money is going in advance and I have a strict budget. It’s so hard because I love shopping and trips… honestly, I just love spending money lol. This is a great trait for a wife to have because monetary issues are a main cause for divorce. Actually, this is a trait that ALL adults should have, regardless of marital status. You should always keep track of where your money is going so there won’t be any unpleasant surprises in the checkout line at WalMart.
3. I’m less emotional.
I’ll just be real… I’m a woman. I can go from 0 to 100 realllll quick. I can go through all five stages of grief in 20 minutes. One day I may want to kill everyone, the next day I’m everyone’s best friend. Women are emotional by nature. I will say that now I’m in more control of my feelings. Little things that used to send me over the edge don’t have the same effect on me anymore. Seeing a tiny scratch on my car or someone saying something negative about my hair used to ruin my whole day. I don’t dwell on things as much as I used to; I have more important things to worry about. I also don’t act on my emotions as quickly. In my past relationships, if I felt the urge to break up with a guy, I would do it with no hesitation. I would just wake up one day angry for no reason and decide that I’m going to be single lol. Now, I wait a while before making a decision. Strong feelings like that usually pass after a day or two.
4. I’m more patient.
This has been the hardest transition yet! When I want something, I want it NOW. Not in 10 minutes, not next week, not next year… RIGHT NOW! One of the bad things about making changes is that you’ll be forced to do a lot of things that you don’t want to do. Right now, I’m literally in a state where I can’t do anything but wait. I have to wait to graduate, wait to see my boyfriend, wait for a job, wait for my hair to grow… It’s driving me crazy! I have to remember that gaining patience will make me a better person/future wife/future mother in the long run.
5. I’m more comfortable with myself.
You’ve heard the old saying “No one can love you until you love yourself.” It's cliche, but very true. In the past, my insecurities ruined every relationship or possible relationship I had. Guys would say they loved me, but I wouldn’t believe them. Or I would think there was something wrong with them for having feelings for me… Yeah, I was messed up in the head. Now, God has helped me learn to love my flaws which will give another person the opportunity to love them as well. :-)
I know that I have changed in more ways but these five stuck out to me the most. Ladies, I encourage all of you to say this prayer if you haven’t already! Even if you never want to be married or tied down, you can still have the attributes of a Godly woman. Your life will be much less stressful and happier. There's a possibility that I may never get married, but I’m glad that God is changing me into a better woman!
Update: I'm married now! See? Working on yourself will change how people perceive you and bring all of the right people into your life.